Everyday intimate moments

"I prefer to explore the most intimate moments, the smaller, crystallized details we all hinge our lives on." -Rita Dove

I have a lot of thoughts to share lately. May not seem that long ago, but considering the last time I blogged was Thursday I have made many observations since then. I will limit myself to two today though. Especially because I eventually need to eat dinner and would like to go to the gym, play with the ratties and relax before I head to sleep...

On my way home from my Los Altos Hills council meeting Thursday evening, I was stopped at a red light as I exited on De Anza Blvd. I looked to my left and saw the couple in the car next to me. I know you're thinking... so, there's always couples in cars. But this couple was absolutely adorable. The girl was laughing profusely as the guy messed with her neck. They were making all sorts of gestures toward one another. Completely unaware of the world around them, which is a little scary considering they were driving, but you catch my drift. I know, me trying to describe it in this blog just doesn't do it justice. But it made me smile. I think some of the most beautiful moments in this world are the ones shared by two people, truly in love.... small gestures that occur while in the most mundane of places like the gym, the supermarket, a car.

I don't know about you, but whenever I see an old couple holding hands and crossing the street it gives me an unexplainable peace. Like they have been living through life in this world with one another for years, but they still remain to be the other person's world. I'm a big softie, what can I say. But there is a lot of beauty in this world, even in the mundane, and it is best to appreciate it, instead of being envious or bitter. There is no reason for anything less than compassion.

If it makes you happy...

" If it makes you happy, It can't be that bad" - Sheryl Crow

Next week, I am taking an extended weekend (Thursday-Sunday) to visit my friend An in San Clemente. I'm super excited - to say the least - and in preparation for the trip, I have spent most of the weekend doing errands... going grocery shopping, ratty shopping, doing laundry and picking up some items I will need for the awesome weather down south. After lunch with a friend yesterday, I headed over to Target to pick up sunglasses, flip flops and a swimsuit. Rumor has it, the weather is beautiful down there... and I can't wait. =)


After browsing at all my options for suits for about 20 minutes, I came across this one. I was hesitant to buy it at first... not because I didn't think it was cute or fit me well. No, the reason being is I bought the EXACT same suit two years ago. I tried on another just for sake of having an open mind. And the verdict? "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." So I walked out proudly with the SAME suit from before in my bag. There was a reason I liked it to begin with, and still do, so it can't be all bad.

'Wherever you go, there you are'

" You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." -Alan Alda

I usually don't do this, but I am a monthly columnist at my work, The Los Altos Town Crier, and have decided to post my unedited monthly column...

'Wherever you go, there you are'

Four weeks ago, much to my dismay, I was forced to begin an exploration. Without a map, itinerary, food or equipment – much less a walking stick – in hand, I began a treacherous journey through a seemingly unknown, rough terrain – my mind.

Much like many people experience each day, a chapter of my life had ended. But instead of moving forward, I was in denial, holding onto everything in my past. It left me emotionally exhausted and scared thinking about what time might or – worse yet – might not bring.
Not because the future in this world is seemingly unknown.

What is more incredulous was that after 23 years, I no longer understood this face looking back. This person I have spent countless hours with while watching movies, visiting friends, eating dinners, sleeping and waking up with – me.

For the better part of my life, I have failed to recognize a pattern that has hindered my growth: codependency. Psychologists have found that there is a continuum of codependency most people might fall on. Many of us have and feed are own addictions, including food, drugs or power. My drug of choice was relationships and once mine ended, it seemed a part of me was gone and I didn’t know the person left behind. It felt like I had died, a piece of myself gone, but this is not the case. Instead, I paved a path of self-discovery.

For the first week, alone with my thoughts, it boggled my mind when I thought of the endless possibilities of things to do. While I am an avid reader and writer, have been taking guitar lessons for nine months and work out three to four times a week, these tasks seemed to take up little time in my 24-hour days.

Now, three weeks later, I am excited about these endless possibilities that have the ability to foster my self-preservation.

The other day, a friend was reminding me that relationships often end because we see the other person as “project potential.” We recognize those things in them that we like, but also those things we don’t and hold onto the hope that they will eventually change. In retrospect, it was my inability to accept ongoing desires and myself that created the downward spiral.

We all have our quirks. I am often a bull in a china shop who is too forgiving and internalizes everything thrown her way. And while I used to think this needed to change, learning to accept myself and cope with the uncontrollable is what needs to happen.

It is easy to embrace other beauty, including the uncontrollable nature of Mother Earth. But it is most important to learn to do the same for yourself – faults and all – and everything eventually falls into place. Because wherever you go, there you are.

Clarification

SPOILER::: WARNING! Don't play video if you haven't seen "Garden State"!!!


"OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true." - Garden State, "Sam" (Natalie Portman)

{It's funny. I'm not a huge fan of "Garden State," as a whole, but I think there are moments in the movie that are very raw and true to life, and shots that are absolutely breathtaking. SPOILER::: My favorite shot in the movie is the very last one - when Zach Braff and Natalie Portman embrace in the white-walled airport. Then a door in the distance opens, casting a shadow on the wall and they are framed within that shadow. Absolutely beautiful. And I can't even do it justice in describing it so watch the video above if you want to know what I'm talking about. It is the end of the movie though, so if you haven't watched it... maybe just rent it. It's not that long and worth it to watch it at least once in life.}

So I am posting again because I feel like a little bit of a hypocrite after my previous entry. I find that I am not a very honest person... about things that don't matter. Though even that is unacceptable to me. Just like Natalie Portman's character in "Garden State," I find myself compulsively lying about the most random things ever. I have been getting better about noticing when I do this and admitting it to people I am close to by saying something like, "I don't even know why I said that right now. That's not true." It's so silly, but I'm breaking out of it. We all have our quirks. But if you are dishonest to the degree of fooling a person - especially someone you care about - into thinking you are someone you aren't, don't bother. And continuing the circle is the worst part of all... break out while you can or it will only get harder.

You'll be amazed how willing the rest of the world is to accept you if you are first willing to accept yourself.

Two sides of the same coin

"...love and anger are two sides of the same coin... They are not two separate entities, one good, the other evil.

They are, in fact, the very same life force expressed in two different guises.

When we feel joyful, it is because our life energy is allowed to flourish.
When we become angry, it is because our life energy has been thwarted.

We become angry when the promise of life is denied."

Harville Hendrix, PhD.

It is amazing what a weekend away from my home makes me realize. I went to go visit my parents in Elk Grove for Easter. Not only was it relaxing and the food absolutely yummy, but I just love watching how my parents work together now that they are emptynesters. Through the years I have watched them fall so in love with one another - they used to argue when I was a kid (much like many parents), but now they are inseparable. They poke and prod to get laughs and it is adorable, and sometimes cutely sickening at times. Because in true love, you know each other - faults and all - so well that you can accept and laugh always, even during the hard times. You realize that the other person is not perfect, but appreciate and accept them - above all else - for these quirks. Because you are two sides of the same coin, yin and yang.

So this entry is inspired by the number 2... two realizations that I have come to recently. (Sounds like a Sesame Street Count von Count plug doesn't it?)

*"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth" -Marcus Aurelius: I have always been fascinated by perspectives. From person to person, they change form based on the individual upbringing and environments. And what I find even more fascinating is how two people can be placed in the exact same situation, but form completely different conclusions. This has been frustrating for me lately, in my search for the "truth." Because no matter how you feel a situation ended or how long a relationship's happiness was there, these are opinions based on the individuals perception of "truth." And when these situations occur, friends or family involved generally tend to pick a side - before they even know the entire truth. Life is not just black and white; there is a lot of gray in between. And it is important to remind ourselves of that before we so easily cast the first stone. Especially when we are not involved directly in the situation. Because in order to find "truth," it is important to look for the answer within yourself, but not forget about the world in which you live. And no matter what words were spoken after the fact, the emotions that were shared between the people involved is the most universal truth of all - whether or not it is ever acknowledged.


*"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self." - Aldous Huxley: This is a truth that has kept me so grounded and appreciative of life, that I feel I am growing exponentially from day to day. I have been enduring an ongoing emotional battle, but the most important thing is I am doing OK, and I am strong enough to talk about it. Just by acknowledging those "quirks" I need to cope with, I grow happier. Happier knowing that I am bettering the best of my life by searching within myself... and letting go of my dependence on others. It is pointless worrying what others think because - if it was important enough - they would just tell me. It is so easy to get caught up in little white lies that will in the end veer out of control and consume you, and all that you may have ever stood for to someone else. Just be honest and let the chips fall where they may.
Staying within the theme of perspectives, I think it is interesting what people hide from you on a day-to-day basis so they look a certain way in your eyes. (I am a victim of this, just as much as anyone.) And while this may last for days, weeks, months or even months... you will eventually be discovered, and then what is left? Don't be a chameleon, changing based on the people you are hanging out with for the moment. Just let your true colors show. If people can't love you for who you are, they aren't worth your time.

'Que sera sera, whatever will be will be...'

"There is a Hindu story comparing the mind to the trunk of an elephant – restless, inquisitive, always straying. In the villages in India, elephants are sometimes taken in religious processions through the streets to the temple. The streets are crooked and narrow, lined on either side with fruit and vegetable stalls. Along comes the elephant with his restless trunk, and in one sinuous motion, he grabs a whole bunch of bananas. He opens his cavernous mouth, and tosses the bananas in – stalk and all. From the next stall he picks up a coconut and tosses it in after the bananas. No threats or promises can make this restless trunk settle down. But the wise elephant trainer will give that trunk a short bamboo stick to hold. Then the elephant will walk along proudly, holding the bamboo stick in front like a drum major with a baton. He doesn’t steal bananas and coconuts now, because his trunk has something to hold onto. The mind works in the same way. We can keep it from straying into all kinds of situations if we just give it the mantra."

I have found myself in a relapse as of late... I was doing great. But laying in bed last night I realized that my mind - and emotions - aren't as settled as I would like to think. Just the fact I can recognize this should be enough to make me happy, but it's not... anymore. I am an emotional roller coaster with ups and downs and turns each and every day. And while I must admit that it is getting easier to settle these emotions, each time I have a realization about my personality or what I need to work on, it becomes mentally exhausting. I become so frustrated that I just want to yell at the top of my lungs. But I can't give up. Aside from what my mind likes to blow out of the water, my life is actually quite amazing. I shouldn't have anything to complain about, and that seems to frustrate me the most. That I feel as though I am complaining despite everything great that is happening in my life.
I am pushing through - though I definitely wouldn't be as strong without my friends and family. It is weird when you realize you have been crawling through life the better part of your existence or even resting most of your weight on others. I am learning to walk, and it is taking a ton of tumbles.

My biggest problem is my fear of the future. For whatever reason I am afraid that I am going to wake up one day and be an old woman and wonder what happened to my life. I know, odd considering I am not even 24 yet. The uncertainty of life and my path and future just absolutely terrifies me. The fact that I may never have an answer for why I act a certain way and that there aren't answers for everything in life...
Pretty weird considering how much I appreciate nature. There are a lot of unexplained answers in that, yet for whatever reason I embrace the beauty of Mother Earth with open arms. I just need to learn to do the same for myself - faults and all.

Why I can't sleep...

...because I fell asleep way too early in my attempt to just relax last night. And now I'm up at 6 a.m. Quite a few friends were anxious to get me out of the house and I should have taken that as a sign and actually gone.

Oh, and number one reason why I can't sleep, because yesterday when I went to take a shower, I noticed there was a WASP on the skylight above the bathtub... and it's still there. =( Looks like I will be taking a shower at the gym today after I work out. I know, I'm a wuss. But really, what would you do?

I fully endorse this kid for movie reviews!

Move over Roger Ebert, there's a cute three-year-old in town and she knows her "Star Wars Episode IV." She must have a wide array of film expertise under her belt... or in her lunchbox.



What's even funnier is the response that has blown up on YouTube since. She is a three-year-old in 2008 and the fact she can even concentrate on a movie for so long is amazing. People really need to get a life...





I second this response...

"Just play..."

" Sometimes you want to give up guitar, you'll hate the guitar. But if you stick with it,you're gonna be rewarded" - Jimi Hendrix

Let's just say that as difficult today was for me, I learned so many life lessons. It is great what you can learn in short periods of time, if you are receptive to it. And embracing the things that relax me gets me even closer to embracing a positive mindset and soul. I went to a therapist, swimming and my guitar lesson. And learned something new about myself at each one.

I have been feeling down on myself about my guitar playing lately. Last year, I decided to give myself guitar lessons for my birthday. It was something I always wanted to learn, and my parents gave me a guitar two years prior that was just collecting dust. I had graduated school, had a full-time job with regular hours and I could afford it. There was nothing holding me back. So I began my journey. It has been rough... mainly because I am too hard on myself. It hasn't even been a year yet - I often have to remind myself of this. And already I have achieved so much.

At the end of my guitar lesson tonight, I asked my teacher what I should focus on. I assumed it was my transition from the B minor or F chords playing "Karma Police", so that's what I said. He replied: "No, just play." I stopped for a momentary reflection, but couldn't wrap my head around it. He must have noticed it: "I don't know if I ever explained it to you, but you overthink when you're playing." Of course, this came as no surprise to me. He went on to explain that I got so caught up in hitting the right chord at the right moment that my playing comes across as rigid and I was missing the rhythm of the song. I get so caught up in all the technicalities of playing that I lose focus on what I am playing and what it sounds like. Lyrics are a great guide, if you let them be, but it's easy for me to lose sight of that. "So just play." Such a seemingly simple answer but how difficult it often seems to be...

...and I am not just talking about guitar. After he explained his "just play" theory I stopped in my tracks. "I overthink everything to do with life," I said out loud. And it couldn't be more true.

Just like playing guitar, I overthink so much of life that I lose focus. It is not about the technicalities: what other people think of you, how much money you make, etc. It is about how you feel about yourself at the end of the day. About playing a tune, walking with confidence, because it gives you peace of mind.

And that is my most important goal: peace of mind. But I will be sure not to overthink it - just let it flow - or else I may lose focus.

Swimming upstream

"By being with yourself... by watching yourself in your daily life with alert interest, with the intention to understand rather than to judge, in full acceptance of whatever may emerge, because it is there, you encourage the deep to come to the surface and enrich your life and consciousness with its captive energies. This is the great work of awareness; it removes obstacles and releases energies by understanding the nature of life and mind. Intelligence is the door to freedom and alert attention is the mother of intelligence." -Nisargadatta Maharj

I know it is a long-winded quote to start with, but it couldn't be more true. I never realized how "lost" I had become until a chapter of my life ended. I don't regret it. Everything happens for a reason. But now I am learning to live for me, and it couldn't be more difficult. Sounds silly really, but when you have been a people-pleaser and dependent human being all your life, it is like swimming upstream. It often felt like it was without help, but that was part of my negative mindset. A mindset that spun out of control and hurt everybody in my path, especially myself. So I am learning not to dwell on the past and not to worry about the future. We all must learn to live in the here and now. Or else we just rush through life to get to point c and before we know it, we're at point z and it's the end.

I always thought that remaining busy meant you had an important life and you accomplished much. But distracting yourself doesn't always mean you are accomplished. I am learning to slow down, take deep breaths and realize the miraculously beautiful and often simple things on earth. Including all the support I never realized was there.

Each day lately has been an emotional rollercoaster, but I find peace knowing it is not for nothing. It is for me, and my happiness. The next six months are going to feel absolutely impossible and take commitment. I am going to start attending a two-hour program each week to better myself. I am sick of swimming upstream without support when there is a lot out there for me. I have mentally exhausted myself. No point to repeating my painful patterns throughout my entire life when I can take the time to discipline my mind - and soul. Either way, I will be alive on the other side.

It is time to be proactive, not reactive. And the hardest part is going to be when I feel "fine" and can dismiss the program. But I have to remind myself that I have been "fine" before and ended up on the same path. It is time to move forward... and continue moving. That is the only way to live. And I appreciate all the love and support I have along the way.

Euphoric swimming

"...but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life." - Lester Burnham, "American Beauty"

Photo: The beautiful tree right outside my window at the new Sunnyvale house. (This was taken while I was inside - can you believe it?)

After all that thinking about swimming yesterday, I decided to go to 24-hour, especially because it's two blocks away from where I live in Sunnyvale, to go for a late-night swim. After I got out of the gym and was walking to my car around 10:20 p.m., I came to a conclusion that made me feel at once calm and peaceful. Yay for euphoric swimmings:
A year ago, I went through knee surgery because I found out I had osteochondromatosis, "a disorder of a joint featuring a change of the normal joint lining (synovium) tissue's cellular structure to form bone-cartilage tissue."
It took a lot of steps to recover, but with a strong will - and peace of mind - I was up on my feet again, and approximately two weeks earlier than anticipated. It was hell to not be able to walk, to be bed-ridden, especially because I am a get up and go kind of girl. And that is why I persevered. To celebrate my early recovery, Aaron and I went to Disneyland... and it was magical.
When I came home from the hospital three weeks before, I had no idea I would eventually be in "the happiest place on earth", literally. I remember coming home from the hospital and looking at my four patio stairs with anger. How would I manage to walk up them when I could barely get out of the car without crying in pain? My mom helped me out of the car and I stared at the steps for a while. I eventually sat down on the first step, extended my left leg, propped myself up and my mom dragged my leg to the next step. I never imagined that I would struggle up - and down - steps I had gone down with ease for the two years I had liven there before.
But with my family, Aaron and his family's support I made it through, healthy and happy.
Eventually I was able to ease down the stairs with crutches and then hobbling and WALKING... again.
A year and two months later, I am faced with a similar problem, but instead of it being a physical disorder, it is a mental one. I have spent my whole life - especially the last four to five years - reasoning why I don't need to see a therapist. Scapegoating on not being able to find a connection with a professional, or finding someone who really understood me.
Now I see this as just as important as my knee surgery... going to a professional may not get me up and walking again physically, but mentally - I WILL WALK AGAIN!
Sure, I can go through life with my problem and hurt others I care about, especially myself. But why do that when there is a way to ease the pain right in front of me. There is no miracle cure, and never will be.
It may ease the pain, but it will never cease to exist. But as someone that will face both a physical and mental block her entire life, I am willing to finally accept the help.
Especially considering what I am going through is just a drip in the bucket compared to problems people face every day in the world.
I have no reason not to take care of myself, especially when I can. And to be able to acknowledge what I am feeling is reason enough to get up the courage to walk into a room and have an honest conversation with an adult each week - a therapist - and everyday - myself.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"

" I can't fly, but swimming is the next best thing.... The water is my sky."
So I am sure that you notice a theme here, that's right it's swimming. Be it rat, polar bear and even human, the sheer delight of swimming may keep your mind calm and your body healthy... keeping your head above water when it seems next to impossible. And it definitely does sometimes...
Recently I have been going through a journey of sorts. I admit, it was forced at first, and I was upset about the change. But I am realizing just how healthy it can be. It's hard when you go through life, thinking you understand yourself, but then once you have more time to spend with, well YOU, it's hard to wrap your mind around who you even are anymore.
It's like looking into a mirror and thinking, who is that - what are her goals and aspirations? It's easy to get caught up in life - pay rent, go to gym, go to work, wake up. And truth be told, these things are what often keep me afloat. But I am learning to really appreciate the time I have to myself, just to sit outside and look at beautiful flowers and feel the wind go through my air... and especially to swim.
This is the calm to my storm. I'm not saying swimming is for everyone, but it's what works for me. With each stroke, my mind goes away from my troubles and into the present. And that's what life is all about. Finding what makes you happy, and reminds you to live in the present. Don't take advantage of anyone, including yourself. Everyone deserves to be happy and it's not hard to get there. It's the resistance to the easy solution that usually exhausts us most. Stop convincing yourself YOUR life is a certain way because of what someone did to you or what situation someone else placed you in. We all shape our own lives and have the ability to change it at any given moment..
Life is all about acting, not just reacting. So before you find yourself in a bind, remember that you put yourself there in some way. Take responsibility for your actions, admit your faults and move on. No one's perfect... only robots. And it sure would be a boring world if we all sleepwalked through life, acting as such.

Romance vs. love

"In real love, you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person." —MARGARET ANDERSON Some beautiful insight into the human soul. I couldn't have written something any more true. Don't take those you love for granted, lose them and think about the could-have-beens. Take responsibility for your actions before you ever have to worry about it getting to that point... Romance Vs. Love --Gary Zukav

Romantic love is like a drug. It produces euphoria, energy and vitality. You think you've found someone to complete your life — it's a high. But when that drug wears off, everything you felt before you took the drug returns. That is the moment of disillusionment. You think love is gone, but the illusion is gone. This is the time that most people go back and look for someone else to provide this feeling of euphoria. But you will eventually see this person for who they really are, and the feeling of romance will again fade. When you find someone you think is completing you, make a list of the things you love about that person. Those traits are qualities that you have the capability of cultivating within yourself. Another person can never give you those things. The disintegration of romantic love, is not a tragic loss. Rather, it is the beginning of the possibility of real growth within you. No one else can "rescue" or "save" you. If you're searching for Mr./Ms. Right, you're looking in the wrong direction. Instead, you must do the inner work and become Mr./Ms. Right. Until you intend to make yourself whole, you will not be able to experience true love. The only way love lasts is if it continues to grow into something deeper. True love has to do with giving, and caring for someone else. Spiritual Partnership is a partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth. It's not possible to have a spiritual partnership with someone you think will "complete you". -- Gary Zukav

Marjorie Holmes, "Turning sweet nothings into sweet somethings":

In her article, "Turning Sweet Nothings into Sweet Somethings," Marjorie Holmes points out some differences between romance and authentic love:

Romance is seeking perfection, love is forgiving faults.
Romance is flying, love is a safe landing.
Romance is the anguish of waiting for the phone to ring to bring you a voice that will utter endearments; love is the anguish of waiting for a call that will assure you someone else is happy and safe.
Romance is eager, striving always to appear attractive for each other, love is two people who find beauty in each other no matter how they look.
Authentic love will find many expressions -- the love of spouses; the love of friends; the love of families. And if your love is real, watch out -- once it starts growing, there's nothing that can stop it!